Horrible Horrorscopes
by Kikibee yes I'm both
Summary: Horoscopes are a joke to Serena. If she wants to know her future, she can go to Raye. But, what happens when those jokes start to come true and the only thing keeping her alive is the newspaper? AU SD
1. Tomorrow Never Dies

Hello! I know it's been… years since my last update, but I've been hit by the bug again. The bug told me to redo Horrible Horror-scopes and make it what it was meant to be: a good, old-fashioned horror story. (It won't let me go!) I don't know how this will turn out, but I do know that it's heart this time. This time, it's life. That's important.

Disclaimer for the whole thing: I have the plot and little else. The characters are OOC characters from Naoko herself.

Horrible Horror-scopes

Tomorrow never dies…

That's a damn lie.

Tomorrow dies the moment you touch today, the minute, the heart of the issue, and I was no more ready to acknowledge this at any point in life than at that table. They say heaven is a lovely place with gold streets, wings, and no clear memory of your past: just eternal bliss. Likewise, Hell is a place of fire, tears, and wailing. Still, I can't quite tell which one I'm at; maybe the Catholics were right when they brought purgatory into the game. For all I know, I could be awaiting reincarnation. However, there was one thing I did know: I would hate to visit Hell. I've already been there.

"Miss Tsukino, right?" In the darkness that surrounded me, the voice emoted deeply, heavy vibrations pushing through dry emptiness.

"Actually, I prefer Serena these days."

"I can guarantee you that these will be the longest days of your life… Miss Tsukino." There was humor. I didn't like it. My humor went away with the newspapers.

"Sir, I pray that I'm not being too rude by asking, by why am I here?"

"Ms. Tsukino …I'm afraid you've died-"

"-I established that fact when I noticed I didn't have to breathe. Now, could you please tell me why I'm here?" I know I'm dead! I just want to know where the Hell I'm going!

"…Very well. You have a strange case. Apparently, you were killed by your boyfriend." After a few moments of consideration, I nodded in agreement. I could deal with that. "Unfortunately, he was the Antichrist."

If my heart had been beating, it would have stopped. Suddenly, fear froze my veins. "A-am I carrying-"

"Fortunately, you're not. You didn't even die with an STD. You are as clean as a whistle." While I was relieved, I wasn't sure I wanted any one… or being knowing that much about me. "However, we need an account from you about the experience. I mean, you're a sharp young woman. He had to be pretty slick for you to not notice a single thing wrong."

He was right and wrong on so many different levels. The shades of black and white were there, but over time they began to match. After a while, I could only see gray.

"Tomorrow never dies… That is the most foolish saying I've heard. Sir, I'll have you know that I always said it back when the grass was greener and had no gray patches. …I wish for that greener grass every second. It allows me to hope for something better and remind myself that when I died, there was no green: just gray."


	2. Night

I'm so busy now! It's great to have out a new chapter after so long! I don't own these characters. Serena is really serious and cynical at times. They are scouts, but they've lost all need for their powers. Thus, they are out of practice, but none of that is important until later on. For now, feedback would be nice.

Horrible Horoscopes

Chapter 2

"I propose we all move into a house together!"

It was a Saturday, a day when most of us were off, and at that moment, I lost all credibility.

"Are you insane!-"

"-I can't live with her!-"

"I want my own room!"

"My God, Serena! The taxes would be horrible!-" That was definitely Ami.

This would take some work. "We already live in an apartment together! A house wouldn't be too bad." The mumbling grew louder, but I continued. "Besides, the whole 'three small rooms' thing is getting old."

Raye slowly nodded her head in agreement. "Two bathrooms is not enough for all of our stuff, and mornings are horrible."

"-And Raye is always in the bathroom-"

"You're always in the other one," whispered Ami, causing Mina to glare.

That meant there was one last person to talk to: Lita. I cornered her the moment she got home from her job at Royale as an assistant to the chef. A few choice words about the kitchen size had her in the palm of my hands.

"You know, this means our bills will go up considerably."

"I've thought about that, and, with Ami's help, I'm sure we can make ends meet. We just have to find the right place." Gnawing slightly on the inside of her cheek, Lita and I officially shook.

Soon, Raye, Mina, and I were scouting homes in our spare time while Ami and Lita figured out what we could afford. Finally, we settled on a small five bedroom home with three bathrooms. The move went smoothly, and, yadda, yadda, yadda, we all end up in the house.

One day before I went to work, Raye was reading a book, I was watching TV, and Mina was reading a magazine. It was the trashiest magazine you could buy in our area without wearing a trench coat and shades, but she loved it. Unfortunately, Raye did not, and after listening to the giggles and squeals for an hour, she blew up.

"What is so damn funny!" Her skin was blotched with anger spots and her eyes could sharpen daggers.

Mina blanched. "It-t was nothing. Really. It was just something on the page about someone…" Her voice fumbled on, hands fidgeting with the pages.

"Then, why are you blushing?"

"It's nothing-" Suddenly, Raye snatched the magazine away from her. After scanning the page, she almost started a fire.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THIS TRASH!" I turned down Blind Date. This was starting to get pretty good.

"I-I was-"

"-ARE MY PREDICTIONS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" I looked at the magazine and caught a glimpse of horoscopes. Bad move, Mina. "I'm always accurate, but you turn this… this trash were they are vague and STILL can't get it right?" Raye's arm flings back and chucks the magazine in my lap.

"…It's funny."

"It makes a mockery of my art." Raye closed her eyes and counted to ten. "However, I am sorry for yelling at you. After all, we are all adults and entitled to our choices. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have something to do." Upon saying that, she quickly left the room. There were to dark spots on the rug were she had stood.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk… We lose too many rugs that way." Mina, whose eyes were on the fire place, looked at me and smiled. "I think you should read her horoscope."

My eyes fluttered down to the page in front of me.

_Aries-_

_Today, you need to control your temper. Relationships are too fragile to lose over a fight._

"Wow, Mina. That one is (surprisingly enough) accurate."

"I TOLD you!" she yelped, then covered her mouth, eyes following the path Raye took.

"STILL, that is a fairly obvious one. I mean, we all have arguments with at least one person everyday. It only makes sense to try to douse one of those flames before either person does something that might send them to jail." Her shoulders slumped. "However, there is always the chance. Let me read what it has to say about me."

_Cancer-_

_Don't fear the night. Stay away from eggplants. Tell coworkers nothing about you. Absolutely nothing. At all times, aim for the clear._

I must have looked disturbed, because Mina touched my arm. "Serena, are you okay?"

"That's the worst horoscope I've ever read. Raye is right: they are trashy. Better luck next time, Mina." She grabbed the magazine as I rose to climb the stairs.

"Sere, are we still on for clubbing later?" I looked down.

"Sure, Mina." Unfortunately, even the thought of my job couldn't keep me from wishing I hadn't touched that newspaper.


End file.
